An open letter to Starbucks’ marketing department:

Your latest ad headline reads, “Thanks to everyone who helped make us the country’s #1 best coffee, which includes our great baristas.” Could you possibly have worded that any worse? What exactly does that headline mean? What is a “#1 best coffee”? Why would someone in New York care if someone in Wyoming favors Starbucks coffee? I mean, really?

I should admit, I am opposed to chest-beating, ‘We’re #1 statements.’ They have no meaning, and they’re simply in poor taste, harkening back to apes proclaiming their dominance after battle.

I see Zagat did the rating. (They’re the #1 best business ratings company.) Funny, they never contacted me. Did anyone you know get a call from the folks at Zagat wondering about your favorite coffee? My informal survey revealed that fully no one I know got the ring up from the Zagat survery folks. Yet, Starbucks is the country’s #1 best coffee. Oh, I see the survey included just 6,000 respondents. That seems like a small minority to represent 305 million Americans.

It seems as if Starbucks is really saying thanks to all the folks at Zagat for designating you “the country’s #1 best coffee.” And the #1 best coffee includes the baristas. Or are the baristas in the coffee? Did I get that right? Will anyone else? Or are you saying thanks to your employees for being the country’s #1 best baristas? Does the whole country think that too? Does it sell Starbucks coffee?

Not on Zagat’s own site, it doesn’t. A search for ‘coffee’ on the Zagat home page will net you eight coffee shop results, none of which are Starbucks. So, Zagat awarded you with the ranking as the country’s #1 best coffee, but that doesn’t get you a listing in their top eight places for coffee.

Oh, wait! Zagat must be talking about rural America! The country! I love the country. It’s the #1 best place.

Really, what it does is get you a whole bunch of free news clippings that no one cares about. There are much more compelling ways to start a visible conversation about Starbucks.

Why spend valuable marketing dollars putting a poorly-worded, completely meaningless message out to the masses?

Your tag line is much stronger: “It’s not just coffee. It’s Starbucks.” Exactly! There’s thought-provoking power in that. People go to Starbucks for the ‘Starbucks experience.’

Since the ad headline has no real meaning, it creates confusion, which greatly reduces the likelihood that ad viewers will scroll down to see the much stronger tag line.

When you ask folks in Starbucks’ hometown of Seattle, many people say Starbucks coffee tastes burned, but the shops here are always packed anyway. That speaks to the quality of the experience, not the #1 best coffee.

What I’ve come to know about Starbucks is that I can stop into nearly any one of them, sit comfortably and work while a stream of interesting people pass through the door. I can get a decent beverage and some reasonably healthy food to boot. Starbucks ubiquity means that I can set up meetings in far-away towns with a setting that is familiar to both me and the client. These things are all about value and experience, not some arbitrary “country’s #1 best coffee” rating.

Don’t get me wrong here – I’m not beating up Starbucks, just their advertising, which could easily be a whole lot better.